IMPORTANT ENOUGH

“What about me? Am I important enough to stay in the warmth of your heart?”

4 o’clock in the morning. Paul was holding his mobile phone, hiding under the duvet. No messages, no calls. As always.

It was already 3 months since he had had his mobile phone. Happiness didn’t call yet. He got a mobile phone because when walking down the street everybody looked at their mobile phone and then smiled. It was nice to see that. But it did not feel the same to him. He only kept wondering why he was not smiling at the mobile phone at 4 o’clock in the morning.

Paul knew he was not alone in the room. All the monsters haunting him inside his head during the day time became real in the night time.

It was all his fault. He decided to smack life in the face and dare it to fight to the death! A Russian roulette with life, where Paul had a toy gun and life a real one. He had a chance, he shot first and life shot too, fearless. But still, he lost his life.

 He knew the poisonous bullet was still somewhere in his mind and it was killing him slowly, even by wakening him at 4 o’ clock in the morning and hoping that the monsters could haunt him to death faster.

Why couldn’t he be proud of himself? There was no pride in what he was: and that’s the key, now he knew. All the people haunting him were just the mirror of his own lies and fears, made up to seek some sort of  sick satisfaction in a life he didn’t belong to.

There were no monsters around him, they were all inside him. He was the only monster and he had proof: his blue, bright eyes. He had some sort of black hole in his eyes. Through his eyes he stole all the colours from the world around him. He didn’t know what happened to all the colours, apart from making his eyes blue and the world black, but it was his fault if the world was sad and dark.

He was lost in all these thoughts as he was lost daily in the real world, but when he got lost he could always find beautiful places. And now, totally lost in himself he was finally on his way to bumping into the beautiful selves he still didn’t know.